Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace – Full Special

Hannibal Buress: Animal Furnace – Full Special

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(upbeat music) (cheering) – Hello. Hey, all right. What’s goin’ on everybody? How ya doin’? (cheering) What’s up. I hope y’all had an easy time getting in to this
building because I did not. (laughing) I tried to walk up like,
damn, I’m shooting a special. I was exciting, walk in,
and the dude was like, “Hold up, hold up, hold up.” (laughing) And he said, “You working here?” (laughing) I said, “Yeah, I’m doing
a little bit of work. “Can I come in please?” “Hold up, let me call it in.” (laughing) Man, security is serious. (laughing) This is nice, this is nice. Two hour special, they
got a girl in the back, she brushed my goatee for me. (laughing) That was nice, I’ve done TV before but
nobody ever brushed my goatee, I got a brush, I don’t
even brush my goatee, it never even occurred to
me, this is really good. My first regular comedy
gig I hosted an open mic, in my collage town,
it was poetry, music, comedy, everything. One show I had an ex girlfriend
that showed to perform, I had to introduce her to
stage, it was very awkward, coming to the stage is
the cold hearted bitch that broke my heart, you may know her from not
returning my phone calls and also giving out
mediocre (beep) jobs, make a lot of noise for
Tia Johnson everybody. I gotta stop saying her
real name, I really, I should stop saying
her real name, I should say something else, I could still say that I gotta
stop saying her real name though and still
say a fake name, but I keep saying her real name. (laughing) A few summers ago I went on
a tour with a bunch of bands, before the tour started
I wanted to get an idea who I’d be working with so
watched some of these bands on YouTube, and I
was watching clips and one of the bands, every show the lead would put
the microphone in his ass, so I was concerned. (laughing) So I emailed the promoter, said, “Hey man, what’s up with this
dude putting a microphone “in his ass?” And he
wrote me back and said, “Don’t worry, “microphone in the ass guy
brings his own microphone.” (laughing) As he should bring
his own microphone, but I’m sure it didn’t
start out like that, probably just complaints
from other performers, “Hey man, I don’t
wanna be a diva or anything but this
guy just totally assed out the microphone, so is there a way to
get a spare microphone or is there something we
could spray on the microphone to make it un-assed, I’m not used to
working like this man, this is not why I got
in the music business.” They would put on a live show, every show the lead from the
band would take a garbage can full of bar garbage and throw it on the
head of his drummer and the drummer
just keep drumming with garbage on his body. My favorite show
was in Montreal, during that somebody
else from the crowd took the garbage can off
of the drummers head, put it on his own head, I don’t know why he did that ’cause immediately after
somebody else from the crowd punched him in his
garbage can head and he fell to the
ground, bloodied. Now I tell you
why that happened, that’s ’cause when you put
a garbage can on your head, it limits your perinephrial
vision about 100%, leaving you very open to
those type of attacks. That’s why I never put
garbage cans on my head, ’cause I always need to know
what’s going on around me and I can’t maintain
that level of awareness with a garbage can on my head, I just know myself like that. I felt bad for the guy ’cause it happened so fast he didn’t even get
to enjoy having a garbage can on his head, his two consecutive
thoughts were, I have a garbage can on my head, man I regret putting that
garbage can on my head, that was a horrible idea. (laughing) So I do show at
collages sometimes and when I do a collage show I do interview with
the school paper, and the result could
be a horrible article. So I wanna share with
y’all this article from a gig I did at
Eastern Illinois University in Charleston Illinois. This is all real and in print, a human being wrote this and then they sent it to a
higher ranking human being, an editor, and that person said, “Yeah, let’s go with that.” (laughing) “Quick-witted Buress
set for laughs, comedian helps bring
diversity to campus.” (laughing) Wait, wait, wait, I’m responsible for bringing
diversity to your campus ’cause you realize
the typ of diversity I bring is very temporary because I’m leaving as
soon as I get my cheque, this town sucks, actually
pay me before the show. It was a phone interview and sometimes when I
do phone interviews and the journalist is boring, I just start saying crazy
stuff to make it fun for me and make the most
out of my time, and she said, “what do you
talk about in your comedy?”, I said, “I talk
about the straights” and she put that in
the paper for real. Here’s it, “His performances
include comedic jokes relate… Wait, wait, wait, comedic jokes, as apposed to all the
other types of jokes that are out there, am I missing out on
a genre of jokes. I hate for that to be the
reason I don’t make it big, “Yeah Hannibal Buress
could’ve been huge “but he focused all his
energy on comedic jokes, “when there were so many other
types of jokes out there, “he really pigeonholed himself.” And I’m some bitter
old man comedian, these young comedians
focus on all types of joke, esoteric jokes,
jokes about hash, we’re purists, we only
did comedic jokes, these young dudes man. (laughing) His performance includes
comedic jokes related to personal stories, current
events, the streets, you know what, I’ll
take the blame for that, I said that on a
record, take the blame. His performance includes
comedic jokes related to, “Personal stories, current
events, the streets “and even food”, he said. What, even food, who else is talking about food
in the comedy game right now, nobody, just Hannibal
Buress, that’s all. He has cornered
that subject matter, he is the Lenny Bruce
of grocery store humor, he is so edgy, you should’ve saw when
he was in Dallas Texas, half the crowd walked out when he did his new
bit about lettuce, it was crazy, he was
to edgy for that town. Matt Caponera, the University
comedy coordinator said, “Buress was picked
because he said stood out “more than other choices, “he stands out like exclamation
point.” Caponera said. I don’t know if that’s weird
or boarder line racist, let’s go with weird, it’s
easy to go, let’s go weird. ‘Cause I think it’s weird to
compare people to punctuation. Nah, I think he’s more
like a semicolon comedian, very semicolon like in
delivery and how he paces. (laughing) I don’t even know how to
use a semicolon to this day, I use a comma every
time and you know what, if I email somebody and they get upset
about me using a comma instead of a semicolon, that’s not a person I
wanna work with anyway. And that’s how you weed
people out of your life. “Buress was the most
popular comedian in Caponera’s price
range of $2000.” (laughing) Was a couple years ago,
two things about that, one, you God damn
right I was, hell yeah, I was ruling that price range in the Midwest two years ago. Two, how tacky is that, does she go to her editor, “Hey, I wanna make this
article more tacky, “you have any ideas?”, “Well
maybe you could mention “the amount of money he’s
making from the show, “that adds nothing to
the article at all, “plus we get the added bonus “of putting his
business out there “and making it harder
for him to charge more “than that in the future. “So I think if you’re
going for word count, “that’s your move.” Caponera said, he
also picked Buress because he is African-American, which added more diversity to the comedic line
up this semester, “He’s a black comedian so it
makes our crowd more diverse “and everyone gets what
they want.” Caponera said. (laughing) Everyone gets what they want, that’s a weird
proud thing to say. Even people that
didn’t attend the show, “Hey, did you book
Hannibal Buress?”, “Yeah, we booked, are
you coming to the show?”, “Nah, I’m not coming to the
show but I got what I wanted.” Because everybody gets what
they want when I come to town, time around, peaks is
at an all time high, everybody’s happy. they go to the local grocery
store just juggling items, no intention on buying them, just in the isles yelling, “Even food, he’s coming
to town y’all, hell yeah.” “You think he gonna
do the lettuce bit?” “I don’t know I’m not
even going to the show, “I’m just happy he’s here.” (laughing) I got a jaywalking
ticket in Montreal, I couldn’t believe it, I’ve jaywalked so
many times in my life, it’s such a easy
thing to time out, is there a car coming, no, let me get across then. I’ve done it thousands of times, but his time it was
me and this old lady, we were jaywalking together. (laughing) We weren’t together like that but if we were so what,
mind your business, I just met y’all. So me and this old lady
we get across the street then a Montreal
cop approaches us, speaking in french. Blah, blah, blah,
blah blah, blah, french. I said, “Hey man, I
don’t talk like that, “that’s not how I talk, can
you talk to me how I talk”, that probably
wasn’t the best way to start off our interaction by mocking his native
language but who cares, I take risks in life. And he says, “You
were jaywalking.” and I said, “Sorry about that.”, and I tried to keep
going about my day, ’cause I thought
that’s how jaywalking was handled as a crime. “You were jaywalking”, my bad, we’re done here
right, that’s it. I acknowledged that I jaywalked, I apologized not for
the act of jaywalking but how my jaywalking
made you feel, I’ll try not to jaywalk in the
future while your watching, but trust I’ma do it
the rest of my life, it’s the best way to go
about being a pedestrian. (laughing) And he says, “No, I have
to give you a ticket, “give me your ID.” I said, “You don’t understand, “I only give people
my ID for real stuff, “this is not real, “this is a fantasy crime
that you’re enforcing “to cover up the
fact that your city “is having financial
problems right now.” “This city is broke and they
put you out here with a quota, “and that’s fine, “I will donate 60 of
your colorful ass dollars “to your broke ass city, let’s just do it like that,
no paperwork and it’s good.” Guess what, two
more cops show up, now we have three
Montreal police officers working this high
profile jaywalking case, three cops for me and
jaywalking, fair enough. I decided when it’s time to go, I was just gonna talk trash to the cop standing
closest to me ’cause I don’t like him
or what he represents. So I just wanted
to mess with him and say whatever I could
say to mess with him ’cause he’s wasting my time, so I said, “Hey man, how much
money do you make a year”, which is douchey thing to do. But you know what
else is douchey, to have three cops working
a jaywalking ticket, that’s overkill, I
only have two legs, that’s a cop and a half per leg, that’s a waste of city funds, that’s why that
city is broke now. And he told me how much he made, I don’t know why he told me, he didn’t have to tell me, and he said, “How
much do you make?”, and I told him, he got upset, and he said, “What
do you sell drugs.” I said, “Nah, I don’t sell
drugs, kind of racist.” “What do you sell, cars?” Wait why are those
your first two guesses, hey this dude is doing
something illegal or people love buying
Subarus from him, he’s a charismatic guy, sell the hell out of a car. Those the only two jobs I
know besides police officer, I’m a dumb guy, my
world view is limited. (laughing) And I said, “Hey man,
your colleague here “is 50 years old “and he’s writing jaywalking
tickets for a living, “is he considered a failure
as a police officer, “’cause that seems
like some stuff “that you should be doing.” He’s a younger guy, he
was upset about that, he was trying to hold
in that he was upset but I can tell he was upset, ’cause the next
thing he said was, “Oh, you’re a cool guy huh?” I said, “No, I’m not a cool
guy, are you a cool guy?”, he said, “Yeah, I’m a cool
guy just doing cool stuff, “tryna be cool.” I said, “Man, cool people
never say (beep) like that.”, they gave me $37
ticket for jaywalking and a $444 ticket just
for being an (beep), that’s how much it costs to be
an (beep) to Montreal police, just in case you’re pricing
it out for your next vacation, but don’t worry,
don’t worry about me, I’m not paying either of them, it’s in Canada, it
doesn’t count to me, its not real. I was at the airport, there was this kid,
four or five years old, walking with his mom, he fixed his fingers
in a fake gun and then took a shot at me. Now I’m looking at the wall to see if there’s
something on the wall he could’ve been shooting at, ’cause I’m in denial, I look back at him, he looks me in my eyes and takes two more shots. Now I’m hit three times, that was an act of aggression, I have to defend myself, I’m a man before anything, I will point blank fake
shoot this kid right here. Hey, die bitch, little kid die, what now, now what. What you looking at mom, control your kids then
(beep) like this won’t happen at the airport, no
everybody’s getting fake shot. What’s everybody
else looking at, this got nothing to do with you, American Airlines lady
get down right now, I’ll shoot up you and
your bankrupt ass company. (laughing) My other airport nemesis
is airport security, I don’t like them at all, they seem so
dedicated to keeping bottled water out of the sky. (laughing) That’s their main thing, it’s probably easier to
get cocaine on a plane than a bottle of water, probably the only way you
couldn’t get cocaine on a plane, if they looked at it and said, “What is this, powdered water?” “No, it’s cocaine.”, “Go right
ahead, enjoy your flight.” Because a terrorist
tried a liquid bomb thing now nobody can bring
liquids on a plane, one person messed
it up for everybody, but I feel like
that’s being reactive instead of proactive because terrorists
always trying new stuff. So next time it’s gonna be
some type of Snickers bar, after that happens you can’t
bring full sized Snickers on a plane anymore, you can only bring
miniature Snickers ’cause one person messed
it up for everybody, now you have security
tryna negotiate your Snicker situation. Hey, is it all right if I
bring four miniature Snickers, that’s about the same size
as a full size Snicker, security says, “Don’t play
with me, this is not a game, “we are saving the world
one Snickers bar at a time “for your freedom in America.” Relax man, I’m just
hungry, stop yelling at me. “You can’t bring the
bottles water sir.”, “Why not, it’s not bomb water, what if I sip the
water to show you that it’s not bomb water?”, “Well, what if it’s
sippable bomb water.” “There’s no such thing
as sippable bomb water, “you’re being silly
right now man”, there’s no such
thing as bomb water. One day they stopped me
for additional security but the only security they did, they rubbed the
cloth on my hands and then they went and
tested and came back, They said, “All
right, you good.” Okay cool, good thing I didn’t have
bomb juice on my hands, was that the bomb juice test. What if I did have
bomb juice on my hands, what if one of my friends said, “Hey Hannibal, before
you go to airport, you wanna hold a
bomb real quick.” And I say, “You know what,
I never held a bomb before, “I’m open to new
experiences, let me…” (laughing) “That was pretty cool, thanks
man, that was real cool.”, then I get to the airport, they test my hands, they say, “You have bomb
juice on your hands, “is there anything
you’d like to tell us?” “Yeah, one of my friends, “he got a bunch of bombs “and he said “‘You wanna hold a
bomb real quick before “you go to the airport?’ “and I never held a bomb before, “so I thought it be
something cool to do, “I made sure not to
bring the bomb with me “’cause I know y’all hate that.” So I wanna just hold
a bomb real quick, I think you need to chill
out and stop being jealous ’cause I got all
types of friends, some of my friends own bombs and let me hold them. You need to open up
your social circle and meet some new people. I hate when they try to
make conversation with me, “Are you going to New York
for business or pleasure?” “I’m going to New
York to talk about you “in front of strangers,
so I guess both.” I live in New York, there’s a lot of dudes
in my neighborhood that I’ve handled by mustaches, which is cool if you wanna
have a handlebar mustache but don’t try to
have a conversation with me like you don’t
have a handlebar mustache. Try to talk about
regular stuff like music and politics, nah, dude you
got a handlebar mustache, all I wanna hear
you talk about is slinkies and Kazoos,
and that’s it. Let’s talk about kazoos
for a few minutes, then you gonna hop on
a unicycle and juggle, you carnival face, mother(beep). Yeah, I’m tackling
real issues up here, I’m the Lenny Bruce
of grocery store and mustache humor. Edgy mustache humor, the
Hannibal Buress story. So one night I was out, it
was five in the morning, having some drinks, I was
talking with this girl, decide to take a swing, I say, “How about we go back
to my place for some food “and some drinks?”, most women would say, “Yeah, that sounds cool.” or “Nah, I’m all right.” But what she said was, “What type of food
are we talking about, “and what type of drinks
are we talking about “and do you expect me
to have sex with you “if I come back to your place?” Well if you come back to my
place at five in the morning and eat all my food
and drink all my drinks and you don’t wanna have sex, then I don’t want you
in my life al all. What type of person would
do something like that, that sounds like something
a sociopath would do, come to your place,
eat your food, drink your drinks, leave at 6:30 without
(beep) like it’s cool, that’s a passive burglary. (laughing) And as soon as she said that, I should’ve clocked
this women was crazy but I was kind of
drunk so I went, oh, she’s kind of quirky, she’s kind of quirky and weird. So we talked for a little bit, she says stuff, I say stuff, she says stuff, I say stuff, you know how a
conversation works. (laughing) I think it’s going well, I go in for the kiss, she says, “What, you
think you can just kiss me “Western men and men in
general think they’re “entitled to whatever
they want from women, “you objectify us.” She started goin on this
weird feminist rant, hey it’s fine if you
wanna be a feminist but I think five in the morning, after the bar closes, is a weird time to
jump on your soap box. “Men just want to (beep).” Yes, five in the morning, everybody wants to, that’s why they
stayed out till five because it didn’t happen at two. (laughing) So we keep talking
for some reason, she wants to know my address, she showing interest,
I tell her the address. Then we wanna go
a little further, she wants to know the address
plus the cross street, then she text it to
herself after I tell her, I say, “What’s wrong?” She says, “I have to be safe, “three out of 10 women that
get raped don’t report it.”, and I said, “One out of one
dudes is walking away “from this conversation.” And she said, “What’s wrong?”, I said, “You a crazy
person, that’s what’s wrong, “and right now it sounds “kind of risky to
hangout with you.” And I didn’t know
this about myself but since that date, but I don’t hangout with anybody that quotes rape statistics, there’s nobody in my
life that does that, that’s such a weird
trait to have. I’m a black man in
Scotland on a work visa, you talking about rape, they gonna believe
any (beep) you say, I gotta go. (laughing) But super drunk women
can’t handle rejection, she was just tryna explain, “Please let me explain.”, “No, you’ve explained
enough with your words.” “Why, what’s wrong?”, you are insane lady,
that’s what’s wrong. “I just wanna educate people.”, this is a weird as time
for that type of class. “But, why, come on.”,
no, go away lady. “Give me 30 seconds
to explain?”, no,
I don’t wanna talk. “Please stop walking
away.”, Get away from me. Hey lady, you’re acting
like a rapist right now, I told you I don’t
wanna talk with you, but you keep on talking at me, you are raping my ear drums. I feel real threatened,
no means no. (laughing) (clapping) I like to drink but I only like to
drink with people that can hold their liquor. I was out with this girl, I bought some drinks, we go back to my hotel room, she starts throwing
up the drinks that I bought all
over my hotel room, it was very upset, it was like she was
throwing up my money, on my money. I was very upset
on so many levels, really not that many levels, people overuse that, “It was messed up on
so many levels man.” Oh, for real, why don’t
you name the levels, level three,
metaphysical, eye level, shut up man, you’re
being dramatic right now. (laughing) I was at this music festival, I was walking up the
stairs to my hotel, there was this man
walking down the stairs, this man started throwing
up down the stairs, luckily the vomit missed me, I don’t know what I
would’ve done if it hit me. Are you supposed
to fight somebody if they throw up on you, “Hey man, control your
body, control your insides.” My stage punching is horrible. Like do you attack them, give me $40 or your left
shoe as the vomit tax, you suck, drink some
water and go to bed. What really upset me is
this man was 40 years old, and please, if you’re 40, I don’t think you
should be throwing up from alcohol anymore, you should know your limits man, you have a family
and and a mortgage, throwing up from vodka, you should be
ashamed of yourself. I’m 28, I haven’t thrown up
from alcohol in seven years, ’cause whenever I feel
the urge to throw up I’m able to channel that
energy out, Hadouken, ’cause I’m a God damn warrior. I’m an urban warrior, and I mean urban to
mean I live in the city not urban to mean black,
like white people use it. (laughing) I don’t believe in cancer walks, well I believe in them ’cause they exist but I’d rather just
give money straight up and save my Saturday afternoon, I can make my own T-shirt, that’s not (mumbles), plus I don’t think
cancer responds to how far people walk. (laughing) I don’t think
cancer sitting home, what, how many people
walked how far. How many people walked how
far with the same shirt, that’s crazy, I’m out
of here, remission. (laughing) Give money. Whenever people going
through a struggle in life they get really cliche, they say stuff like, “I’m taking it
one day at a time, “just taking it one
day at at time.” You know who else is, everybody ’cause
that’s how time works, that’s the only way
you can take time, what are you doing
a week at a time, who are you, who taught
you how to do that, please teach me hoe to do that, I wanna get through
this quicker too. I don’t like when people say, “I’ll pray for you,
I’m gonna pray for you, “praying for you.” You gonna pray for me, you just gonna sit at
home and do nothing, just as your prayers out, you doing nothing while I
struggle with a situation, don’t pray for me, make me a sandwich or something. (laughing) ‘Cause I’m very upset right now and I can’t make
my own sandwiches so that would be cool if
you make me a sandwich, praying is kind of
lazy, take action. “Well, we’ll keep
you in our thoughts.” With the other
(beep) in your head, nah, keep me out
of your thoughts, ’cause I hear some of
the stuff you talk about, and that’s close to
what you thinking about, I don’t wanna be
around that at all. So keep me and my family
out of your thoughts unless you thinking about
making us sandwiches. (laughing) I was at a front desk of a hotel and the front desk
lady is screaming, “Oh, Jesus, Jesus, oh.”,
I said, “What’s wrong?” She says, “My back, my back
has just been killing me “for months.”, You
should try Vicodin. She said, “No,
I’m trying Jesus.” I said, “Nah, you
should try Vicodin.” And she said, “You
should try Jesus.” I said, “Nah, my back is great.” (laughing) You should try half
Jesus, half Vicodin, (mumbles) maybe real Vicodin, placebo Jesus for your back. (laughing) I don’t go to church, sometimes people get Holy Ghost and I can’t get with that, I think the Holy
Ghost is just a reason for people to dance
like a (beep) sober. Are you for real,
yeah, look at me, I love Jesus, I’m sweating, sweating so much for the Lord. Why you goofing off like that, I’d still think you’re a
good person if you sit down. I think the Holy Ghost is fake ’cause people only
get it in church when they dance
around other people that’s Holy Ghosting. I’m surprised a rapper
hasn’t took that and made it into
a dance already, do the Holy Ghost,
do the Holy Ghost, do the Holy Ghost, yeah I
did that (beep) on camera, no rappers can steel it from me. Do the Holy Ghost,
do the Holy Ghost. I think the Holy Ghost is fake, nobody ever gets the
Holy Ghost anywhere else, nobody ever catch
the holy in Arby’s, like what, father, father. (laughing) I go to the black strip clubs, the white strip
clubs are boring, they’re good bars, there’s
liquor there, it’s a bar, naked chick, it’s
cool, it’s a good bar, bad strip club. They dance to awful songs
in white strip clubs, I don’t wanna see you
dance to Marilyn Manson, a dove show. This chick dancing, she was
dancing to Madonna, Take a bow, like why you dancing to that,
now I’m thinking of the video, it was sad, with the matador,
he died or something. (laughing) Why don’t you dance to the songs that rappers made specifically
for the strip club, Shake that ass, while I throw money that
I made shouting crap, yoh, this is good music
for this environment. I’m a big rap van,
I went to a concert, I saw this group,
Odd Future perform, they had some good
songs but the closing, the hook to the
closing song was, “Kill people, burn
(beep), (beep) school, “Kill people, Burn
(beep), (beep) school.” But doesn’t it seem like
they get more reasonable as they go along. (laughing) Kill people,, that’s
murder, that’s awful, burn (beep), depends on
what you’re burning, right, if it’s a controlled fire
go ahead, do your thing. School, that’s just truancy, what are you standing on man, that’s weak, who hasn’t
missed class before. Gonna get more and more
reasonable when he raps, kill people, burn school, I hate spam email. That’s annoying, when you think you got
an email from a friend and it’s spam, that
plays on my emotions. I hate hotel TVs, why do we start in
the menu channel instead of the channel
I was watching already, I’ve already seen (mumbles). Why does iTunes keep
tryna get me to download a new version, I got a new version
a couple of days ago, I’m fine with this
version, it plays music. (laughing) There’s this rapper, Young Jeezy, he has
a song where he says, “House stupid-dumb-big,
my rooms got rooms.” Nah, Jeezy, those are closets, those aren’t extra
rooms in your rooms. Jeezy, he’d be the worse
real estate agent ever, right here we have
a 34 bedroom house, let me show you
around the property. Great feature of this place, some of the rooms have
extra smaller rooms in them, gotta sleep in these rooms like, very unique sleeping situation inspired by the Japanese. Let me show you to the bathroom, the bathroom is great, we have a regular size tub and we have a miniature
tub, the sink. (laughing) I feel like rap affects
how I talk with people too much it’s not good. I was talking with
my mom on the phone and she was telling me, so I’m watching your niece
and nephew for a week, while your sister is gone. For a week ma? You watch them for a whole week, are they paying you to
watch them for a week, that’s a long time,
you getting paid? She said, “No,
Hannibal a grandmother “doesn’t have to get paid
to watch her grandkids.” I said, “Yo ma, money
over everything.” (laughing) She was not happy. Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments
with taxi drivers and I get out the cab,
and I slam the door. That’s not the way to win an
argument with a taxi driver, the way to win is, you get out the cab and
you leave the door open. He has to step out, come around and close that door while you doing that
on the other side, opening the other doors, and we just keep going
around and around, and around, and around like my own Benny Hills
situation going on in life. Sometimes when I
travel I go to Facebook and search what Facebook
friends I have in that city, and I hit them up, and so I was in
Ann Arbor Michigan. And saw this girls picture, and I said, “Hey, what’s
up, I’m in town doing shows, “what are you up to?”, and then I press send, I read in her profile, Brandy attends Ann
Arbor High School. I said, “(beep).” (laughing) So I sent a second message, said, “Uh-oh, haha, nevermind.”, but the way Facebook
messenger works, if you send a message, then the second message before they replay to
the first message, it combines those
into one message. So it looks like I said, “Hey, what’s up, I’m
in town doing shows, “what are you up to,
uh-oh, haha, nevermind.” Like I’m some type of regretful pedophile or something,
’cause I sent the message. So I had to send
a third message, I couldn’t leave it like that, said, “Brandy, Facebook
message combines the messages, “I sent a message
saying ‘what’s up’ “then I saw that you were 16 “and I sent another
message saying,’nevermind’, “it combined those
into one message “making me look like
regretful pedophile. “This is the third
message, it is right here, “goodbye forever or
goodbye for two years.” Scouting. My nemesis in life
is my teenage cousin, I don’t like him at all, I think he’s a horrible person, and I hope he doesn’t
get into collage. If one of y’all was
whipping his ass right now, I’ll let you get four more
hits in before I sopped you, “Hey, hey, hey, get
off my cousin man.” He always talks trash
about my comedy, “Hey, Hannibal we watching
your stand up on YouTube, “it wasn’t funny man.” I try to figure
out what can I say back to this 17 year old
boy that will destroy him, ’cause I’m not
letting this slide, I’m very petty, and
I figured it out, I just accused him
of masturbating because teenagers
can’t handle that, their psyches are weak. I said, “What man, you
coming from jacking off?”, “No, I’m not jacking off,
Hannibal, I do not jack off, “I will never jack off,
get out of here Hannibal.” “Why you want me
to get out of here, “so you jack off?”, “No.” That won’t work on me, I’m 28. Say Hannibal are you
jacking off, yeah, yes I was jacking off, I was jacking off so I can
have sex for longer later, that’s grown man stuff,
I’m planning out my life. Sometimes when I watch porn, I put my hoodie on
so I feel creepier, sometimes I get
under the computer so it feels like I’m
spying under there, yeah. Everybody needs to masturbation
hoodie in my opinion, it’s necessary, you have
to keep your top warm because your bottom is exposed, life is all about balance. (mumbles) I met this
one girl at a bar, three in the morning, that’s when trains go back, (mumbles) four in the morning, we get there, she says, “All right, don’t try
to hook up with me.” Don’t try to hook up, you just followed me, a stranger back to your
place at four in the morning, what’s your motivation because you couldn’t
possibly think I wanna talk with you this time. She said, “I would like
to hook up but I recently “had an abortion.”, I said, “Well do you
wanna have another one?” I didn’t say that, I will never say something
like that out loud, fix your face, don’t
look at me like that. I wouldn’t say that, why
would she tell me that though, I don’t deserve that information
from you, you just met me, where are your boundaries,
you are oversharing right now. You know, I got good buddies that don’t even know how
many siblings I have, and you telling me
this, and I win. Whatever girl, it’s
gonna be all right, you just take it
one day at a time, and I will pray for you, keep you in my thoughts. (clapping) I lost my debit card recently, I had five chargers
on before caught it, first charge, $30, who goes to Chuck E. Cheese as soon as they
find a debit card, are you serious. I just found this debit card, have my self some horrible
pizza and Wakamole, let’s go right now. Whose up for flat
Pepsi and air hiking, lets get it while we can, time is of the essence, this dude is about
to cancel this y’all. First charge, Chuck E. Cheese,
second charge, 170 at Target. Third charge, 300 at Walmart,
forth charge, $18 on gas, fifth charge, Chuck
E. Cheese again. What type of monster are you, you didn’t have enough
fun the first time. Did my card get stolen
by a nine year old or by some horrible broke father who could finally take his
kids out with my money, hope they had a horrible
time on the second outing, hope the pizza made
his family sick and I hop his kids
never learn to read. (laughing) Then another time
my card got stolen, somebody was charging up
crazy stuff in California, I live in New York. Two separate $400
charges at Barns & Noble, who balls out of control
at Barns & Noble, who’s ever spent more
than 80 bucks there, and I hate Visa, for not knowing I’m not the
type of guy to spend $800 in 30 minutes on books. You don’t wanna call me
and check that one up, “Oh we thought maybe you
went on a knowledge binge.”, nah, I didn’t go on
a knowledge binge, that wasn’t me. Why didn’t you call me, you know with your whole
heart that wasn’t me, I really wish you
would’ve called me, sometimes you call me for
some of the silliest stuff. “Hey Mr. Buress, (mumbles)
is doing a courtesy call, “I wanted to verify
this $3 charge on bread, “two blocks away
from your house.” (laughing) Yeah that was me
spending $3 on bread two block away from my house, but that wasn’t me spending $800 on books across
the (beep) country. Then a $600 charge
at Bed, Bath & Beyond so I know dealing with a woman, that loofah buying (beep), how many body washes
does she need. Hope the sheets gave
the family bed bugs and I also hope her kids
never learn to read, and if her kids already
know how to read, I hope they forget how to read, then they can get useage
out of $800 worth of books. And I know some of
y’all tightened up when I called that
woman a (beep), but somebody steal more
that a $1000 from me, I call them what
the (beep) I want. (laughing) But I can’t front though, when I was 13 I found a
credit card in the ATM and went straight
up to Toys R Us, rang up a playstation. Me, a 13 year old black
kid with a credit card, and the name on it
is John Hammersmith. And with full confidence I walk over with Mr.
Hammersmith’s card, they look at this, “Is this your card?”, Yeah that’s my card,
my step dad’s card, John Hammersmith,
I’m authorized. He said, “Can you stay
right here.”, nah, nah. (laughing) Stand right here, that
sounds kind of setup-ish, how ’bout we just go our
separate ways for ever, yeah, let’s just go our
separate ways forever. So I’ve gainned
weight on Fast Joe’s, so people love to tell you
when you’ve gained weight, they give you no advise after, “Hey you got fat, all
right, see you later.”, that’s it. The weirdest people in my life
talk to me about my weight, my grandmother, “Hannial
you’ve gained weight.”, what does this mean grandma, we can’t (beep) anymore, why are you talking
to me about my weight, you’re my grandmother. “Hannibal you gaining weight.”, “Your titties are
really sagging grandma”, why are we talking about
each others bodies right now, I don’t know what
your motivation was, I was just being defensive. (laughing) Whenever I eat at a restaurant, I never put the
napkin in my lap, I never put the napkin in my… People say, “Hannibal, why don’t you put the
napkin in your lap?”, Because I believe in myself, I believe in my ability to
not spill food in my pants ’cause I’m a God damn adult, and I’ve mastered the
art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You can believe in yourself too, get your life together,
that’s for babies, have some confidence in
your eating abilities and hand-eye coordination, believe in yourself. Believe in yourself like one of those weird
ass clothing stores that only have six
shirts in them, so many questions, how
much do these shirts cost, how long have y’all been
here, why is there a DJ. (laughing) In the store, hey can
I checkout this shirt, “No, I’m spinning right now.” I love apple juice, it’s my favorite of the juices, one day me and my girlfriend
go to the grocery store, Mott’s stressed pressed
natural apple juice, $1.79 for a half gallon, that’s a great sale, we get eight bottles. Eight bottles is all we have, in front of us is a
old man looking back, shaking his head,
nah, nope, nah. What’s wrong old man, you mad ’cause we have all
this apple juice, you could go get some too, it’s over there in isle four, but if not, stop judging us. Hell yeah, we are
hording apple juice, taking advantage
of the sale before the store realize what a
horrible mistake they’ve made, and you know what, we back here happy
with the apple juice, you up there lonely
with your chili and your beans, you lonely, chili,
beans eating old man. (laughing) But it took me a
minute to realize he wasn’t shaking his head ’cause of the apple juice, he was shaking his head ’cause my girlfriend was white and he didn’t agree with that. But I was so caught
up in the euphoria of having all that apple juice, that for a minute I
lived in this world where racism didn’t exist. (laughing) It was obvious that this old man was just an apple juice hater, and he’s just mad ’cause he can’t get
all the apple juice that I’m getting right now. Thanks a lot y’all,
appreciate y’all coming. (crowd cheering) Thank you. (crowd cheering) (upbeat music) (upbeat music) (crowd cheering)

It’s important to be aware of the symptoms of cannabis poisoning in your dog. If they start to behave differently and show lack of coordination or distress you need to take things seriously. #tips #cannabis #dogs #vet

2 week old Labradoodle/Toy poodle fur baby. Any ideas on how his coat will turn out? via /r/labradoodles https://t.co/lSVnTfzqbE #labradoodle #puppy #dogs

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