World’s Stupidest Dog

World’s Stupidest Dog

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Good morning John, today I’m going to tell you the story my shirt’s inside out. Good morning John, today I’m going to tell you the story of my ridiculous dog. My dog is named Lemon. She is a bit of a…I’ll put this delicately a derp, for example if she were a Pulitzer Prize winning novel she would be “The Colour Derple.” If she were a sexually transmitted disease she would be a herp-a-derpes simplex. If she were a 19th century law man she’d be Wyatt Derp. If she were a large species of Sub-Saharan African mammal she would be a herp-a-derp-a-pottamus. Lemon loves to get into cars but hates to be inside of cars. She loves the little children’s section of the playground. She hates dog toys, if she ever hears a toy squeak she will never go within five feet of it ever again. Greyhound’s in general have oddly shaped bodies, which makes it hard for them to sit down like normal dogs. It also means it’s har-, it’s not comfortable to lay on their bellies, so often times they lay on their backs. We call this “The Roach.” She often sleeps with her eyes partially open and, uh, twitches while she’s doing this, which, uh, makes her look like a freaky zombie dog. The vocalizations of the Lemon are somewhat varied. She does bark, but only very rarely, she much prefers to howl. And her noises of patheticness are so varied and nuanced that she’s earned the nickname “Lemonous Patheticus.” She’s also afraid of the cat. Lemon’s second favourite thing is to run because it, of course, is what she was bred to do. Though she’s getting a little older so she’s not at her top speed anymore. On the track, her top speed was about 34 miles per hour, 0.3 miles in less than thirty seconds. In addition to “Lemonous Patheticus” we also call her Lemoncino, Lemoncello, Lemonpie Liz Lemon. That is, in fact, the reason why she is called Lemon. Her track name was Tina Fey. Interesting thing about Greyhounds, unlike every other kind of dog you can actually go onto a website, search for their name and find out everything about them. What their litter mates were named, 39 generations of previous sires, brothers and sisters and half-brothers and half-sisters, and every race they ever ran and how they did. It also shows you their ear tag numbers which is totally strange to like see a number on a website and also tattooed on the inside of your dog’s ear. This one, on this ear actually the five is the month she was born and the four is the year she was born so we know that she was born in May, 2004. Through this website we learned all kinds of fascinating things like that all of Lemon’s litter was named after 2004 cast of Saturday Night Live and that Will Ferrell, her brother was the best, uh, racer of the litter winning 20 of his 63 races and that Lemon’s dad Craigy Whistler sired over 5,000 racing dogs. WHAT? Of course, poor guy, he wasn’t actually there for any of the conceptions. Virgin births, every one a virgin birth. Lemon is weary, or even afraid of things that she hasn’t experienced before and when we first got her pretty much everything was something that she hadn’t experienced before. Bicycles, rivers, breeds of dog that weren’t greyhounds. Her introduction to the Green household was a very confusing time for her but the one thing that she took to immeadiately was her third favourite thing, after food and running and that’s cuddling. And she is just a cuddle bear and we love her very much. And if you are at all interested in getting a dog you should check your local area for, uh, greyhound adoption agencies. There are lots that need homes. My foot’s asleep, my foot’s asleep. Agh People who are asking about Project for Awesome yes it’s happening December 17th and 18th. We should have the website up very soon. But before then, you should be thinking of working on your videos for charitable causes. This was a good example of one that might be a Project for Awesome video but in fact isn’t. John, I’ll see you on Friday.

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